Answering Machine Says...

1. Sorry I can’t get to the phone right now because my girlfriend and I are doing our favorite thing together. Personally I like doing it up and down, while she likes doing it side-to-side r-e-a-l slow...
So I’ll get back to you when we finish brushing our teeth.

2. "911 - What is your emergency?"

3. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

4. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

5. This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

6. Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you back as soon as I find it.

7. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

8. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

9. Please leave a beep at the message.

10. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.